Loved and Lovely

My precious Trinity.  She is six and full of life and creativity and intellect.  Trinity is the little girl I always prayed for and the Lord answered my prayers.  She brings a sense of light in every room and has such a magnetic personality that captures so many hearts.

My precious Trinity.  On the opposite of every gift and joy carries the same degree of weight from challenges and obstacles . . . and she is no exception.  Trinity is often emotional and reactive and impulsive.  So many days end with me shaking my head in confusion and frustration feeling like somewhere I'm going wrong.  I witness her be hurtful at times or careless or thoughtless or disobedient and I spin my brain trying to figure out how to reach her heart to see the bigger picture.

This past Sunday we had a moment that is worth recording and sharing.  Trinity picked out her outfit (which didn't match, she didn't care, and I didn't want to fight) and asked if I would curl her hair . . . something that rarely happens.  Day after day of taking away privileges and finding consequences, I needed to find a way to give to her and I said yes.  So I quickly got ready for church to make time to curl my little girl's hair, not wanting to miss the moment.  I had some music playing and we stood their in the bathroom as mother and daughter while I curled her cornsilk hair.  We were singing and smiling and cherishing this sweet time.

With each turn of the curling iron and each strand of hair, I began to just pray over her (and myself).  I realized that I was operating from a place of defeat rather than victory in my parenting.  I needed more humility.  I prayed something that I've heard my brother pray when he talks about women.  I prayed about her being loved and lovely

I prayed that Trinity would see herself as LOVED.  In the most fundamental (and usual subconscious) way, we often operate from a place of scarcity.  That if someone gets the attention, then there is not enough for me.  If something is given away, then there is loss for someone else.  But in the kingdom of God, that is not the case.  God always provides enough.  And we can operate from a place of being LOVED, unconditionally and without restraint.  We don't have to look to others for our value.  If we get acknowledged by someone for our good deed or our pretty looks or our thoughts, that's awesome.  But if we don't, we can trust that we are still loved.  We might know that in theory but to live with that truth is much different.  I see the ways people, especially girls (Trinity, her friends, me, my friends) live in a place that "I can secure my value and purpose if I'm better than ___." But when we embrace how deeply WE are loved individually and how much EACH PERSON is loved individually, we can celebrate their moment to shine knowing we are EACH carrying the image of God.

• Ephesians 2:4-5 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, evenwhen we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved—
• Psalm 86:15 But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.
• "God’s unfailing love for us is an objective fact affirmed over and over in the Scriptures. It is true whether we believe it or not. Our doubts do not destroy God’s love, nor does our faith create it. It originates in the very nature of God, who is love, and it flows to us through our union with His beloved Son."  ~ Jerry Bridges

I continued to pray for Trinity that she would be LOVELY.  I don't mean that as she will be pretty and polite (although those are good things) but that because she would embrace how much she IS loved in relation to the Lord, that she will have the confidence to BE lovely originating from the inside.  Her "loveliness" would come from a place of her love for others.  With confidence of being LOVED, her ability to love others would be a natural by-product.  I strongly desire for Trinity to seek justice and love mercy and there are times that being "lovely" doesn't always look lovely.  And that is ok.  But from her heart of hearts, I pray her love for others will be her true north always pointing back to the Father and not to herself.  When love is rooted in ourself separate from the Lord, it ends up becoming self-serving and self-seeking.  But when it is rooted in Christ, it always remains selfless and pure.  

• John 13:34-35  A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
• Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
• "God is love. Therefore love. Without distinction, without calculation, without procrastination, love."  ~ Henry Drummond

And as this sweet moment unfolded, my heart softened and I saw Trinity not in relation to myself as her mother or even in relation to herself, but most of all for who she was in relation to her Heavenly Father.  I was overwhelmed with joy and gratitude to care for this treasure from heaven.  And in that bathroom, we sang along together to the song that was playing.  It was "No Longer Slaves" by Bethel Music.  The lines in the song that touched me was: 

"You split the sea so I could walk right through it.  My fears were drowned in perfect love.  

You rescued me so I could stand and sing I am a child of God."  

Over and over the line "I am a child of God" was sang.  My precious Trinity and I shared that moment and more importantly that truth.  That we are children of God.  

Her hair was done and the moment was over but the truth remained.  She skipped out the bathroom feeling lovely.  And my prayer continues to be that she IS lovely because she IS LOVED.  

. . . And if that wasn't enough from the Lord.  At church that very day, we had a guest praise and worship leader.  Would you like to guess one of the songs that was played?  Yes, "No Longer Slaves."  I was overwhelmed with gratitude for a Father in heaven who loves me and sees me and loves Trinity and sees her.  And He saw the depth of that moment in the bathroom by underlining it with a song.  I started to cry and if anyone was watching, they must have thought I was really going through a tough place.  In reality I was soaring with joy for a God who loves and sees my heart.  He knows my failures and my strengths.  He is my only hope and I am blessed to be a child of God. 

He is good

I posted a few months back about our unexpected move to North Carolina and the initial disappointment it brought.  With time, we grew to accept that the move was coming so we did what all resilient military families do....we pulled ourselves up by our "boot straps" and headed East.  We left California with sadness about the goodbyes and changes coming, but hopeful that God's plan would surely bring about something even better.

So we went through Christmas and New Year's living out of suitcases and began our exploration in the beautiful South with hope and and expectation.  We have time after time tried our best to "look on the bright side."  But can I be honest to say that we are disappointed.  The schools are not as good and our kids are not as motivated.  The churches we have visited feel superficial while growing wide but not biblically deep.  The weather is gray and rainy.  We have faced physical ailments and illnesses.  We are still waiting to officially move in and have been living out of suitcases that were packed for three weeks and it's now been two and half months. And to top it off, we have a ten month deployment on the near horizon.

I write all this not as a tale of woe because believe me, I know it pales in comparison to the struggles that there could be.  However, it has been discouraging.  We believed there was something better waiting for us.  We hoped and prayed and had peace in His plan.  And now this? So there is a natural tendency to question God and wonder what God was/is doing.  I often want to ask "why did we have to move?" and we confess that conversation has occurred.

But then truth resurfaces and we remember "our ways are not His ways"(Isaiah 55:8).  He is God and and sees into the future with all His goodness and mercy that our human limitations don't allow (phew).  I also know that my "better" and His "better" are not the same.  And I am reminded that I am not alone in my moments of questioning.  In the bible in the book of Matthew chapter 11, John the Baptist . . . THE John the Baptist, came to a similar place of wondering.  In Matthew chapter 4 John had the privilege to baptize Jesus and witness the Holy Spirit come upon Jesus and declare that Jesus was God's beloved son in whom He was well pleased.  Then 7 chapters later, John is in prison and sends a message to ask Jesus "are you the Coming One or do we look for another?" In essence, he was asking, "are you sure you're the Messiah, the King we've been waiting for because you aren't doing what I thought you would?  I'm in jail which I'm pretty sure shouldn't be part of this new kingdom thing." Jesus sends a message back telling John of ALL He is doing in hopes to remind John that He IS in fact fulfilling the prophesies of the Old Testament.

So why did John the Baptist die in prison? I don't know.  Why did we have to move? I don't know.  Why do hardships come when it feels like we are in a "good" place? I don't know that either.  But I DO know without a doubt that God is good and has always been good and always will be good.  I know that He loves our family, He loved John the Baptist, and He loves you.  That doesn't mean that suffering and hardship are removed.  When I pray that His will be done, I am in essence saying that it's no longer about my comfort or my contentment but I lay that down to be close to the Father.  This is not easy and goes against all my tendencies towards self-preservation.  However when I do, I find peace and rest.  I see His hand at work and trust that He is good.

Oh! The Places We'll Go

"Come now, you who say, 'today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit', whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow.  For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for little time and then vanishes away.  Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that." James 4:13-15 (NKJV - emphasis mine)

I have reflected on this verse a lot lately.  It's posted on my microwave, I see it often, and I pray those words repeatedly.  For those of you who know our family, we said when we moved to CA two years ago that my husband Tommy would finish out his military career here until he retires in 2018.  We believed that.  We planned on that.  And now today, that plan is changing.  

We found out a few weeks ago that we have orders to move to North Carolina and we will be leaving in two months.  In all honesty, we are devastated.  We miss our family that lives on the east coast and we are SO grateful for what lies in our future making memories with cousins, grandparents and extended family.  But in this moment, we are sad.  

We have called Temecula, CA home.  Some have called it Pleasantville and we kind of agree.  It's always sunny (hence the drought).  There's so much to do and see.  The ocean is so beautiful and full of wildlife.  But more than the landscape or the climate, it is the people who have captured our heart.  So instead of bitterness for moving (at a really terrible time of year), I chose gratitude for what I have experienced.  

I am grateful for the schools that my children have attended.  For the teachers who pour into them not just the facts, curriculum, and numbers, but good morals and respect.  They have challenged both Zion and Trinity in different yet specific ways to keep them developing into awesome kids who demonstrate kindness and obedience.  They have taught them things not just to make them smarter but also wiser.  I am so thankful for their commitment to them and they will be deeply missed.

I am grateful for my job.  I work at a stellar pediatric therapy clinic that has been a part of me growing leaps and bounds professionally.  I have learned about unique diagnoses, equipment, therapy interventions, and most of all compassion on a level I have not seen elsewhere.  I have heard devastating stories and celebrated profound triumphs.  I look forward to what lies ahead for me as a pediatric physical therapist and I know that the lives of little children I get to impact in the future will reap the benefits of my time working here.  

I am grateful for my neighborhood and my friends.  This could be a long paragraph and in reality, if I wrote a book it wouldn't do you all justice.  You have cared for our children, fed us some of the most delectable food we've ever tasted, shared your best wine, laughed the biggest laughs and cried real tears.  You have been the family we needed when ours was so far away.  Thank you for your generosity, your time, your loyalty, and your unconditional love.  

And probably the hardest thing that we have to say goodbye to is our church.  You, as a whole, reflect the truth of Jesus in every way.  The way Christ would speak into the hard realities of people's lives yet reflect the unwavering grace and forgiveness of a loving Father - you do that!  You teach the Word well - not just with a memorable sermon but with actions.  Not just the pastors but the congregation who attend.  You give, you serve, you love, you listen, you care, you hope, you laugh, you celebrate.  Everything that I see reflects the Savior.  I pray with everything in me that I can take just a sliver of what you do, and bring it to the next church we call home.  Thank you for letting me serve here.  Thank you for encouraging me to grow in the Lord.  Thank you for your Kingdom work.  Great is your reward!

So now we must pack up our life, throw out our junk, wipe our tears, and go east.  We know that just like God has done here, He will do the same there.  We trust Him more than ever and know that ultimately this world is not our home.  So whether we find our feet in California, North Carolina, Mexico, Africa, or some other distant land, we pray that His Kingdom come and His will be done.  Amen.

He went before us

My husband Tommy and I have recently returned from visiting Monterrey, Mexico where we have been sponsoring two young ladies for the past three years with Back2Back Ministries.  This ministry works with various children's homes in the area of Monterrey (and other locations worldwide) to meet their physical, emotional, spiritual, educational, and social needs.  With each visit we have made, our love continues to deepen for the people who live and serve with this organization.

When Tommy and I went on our first mission trip together three years ago where we met these sweet girls that we sponsor, I must confess with great transparency that we were in a difficult place in our marriage.  We were disconnected and discontent.  As people prayed for our trip, for protection and divine interactions, I confided to my closest sisters in Christ that I needed a miracle for our marriage.  And praise to the Father in heaven who hears and cares - HE answered.  I would like to share the beautiful weaving of moments that bring us to our most recent trip.

This is an excerpt from the blog I posted from 2012 about the day I fell in love with one of the girls we sponsor:

"As I spoke with one girl about school and her hopes for the future, she volunteered some of the painful events of her history that brought her to a children's home.  She cried and so did I.  Her heart was breaking for at least the thousandth time I'm sure and I held her in my arms as the tears flowed.  I felt honored to be the one to comfort her but leaving that day was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I got on the bus and fell into Tommy's arms saying 'I don't want to leave her.'"

What I didn't share from that trip was the evening after I met this girl (we will call her Faith), we attended a worship service.  Like usual, there was some distance between Tommy and I, but I could feel a softening taking place in our hearts.  The song "How He Loves Us" by David Crowder was played and something miraculous happened.  I could tangibly feel our hearts connect and by the power of the Holy Spirit, our marriage was restored.  It is undoubtedly one of the most powerful moments of the Holy Spirit moving that I have ever experienced.  I can testify that our marriage has never been the same.  God heard and answered.

Through the years we have stayed faithful to "not leaving" the girls we met on that trip.  We support them through daily prayers, monthly financial giving, and trips to Monterrey as often as we are able.

Fast forward to our most recent visit.  We were there this time to celebrate the 15th birthday of the other girl we sponsor (we will call her Julie - and I'll have to write about the details of our time with her in another blog).  On our first evening at the Back2Back campus, we were attending a similar worship service like the one I described from 2012.  There were SO many distractions: exhaustion from our night of traveling, sound system problems, torrential thunder storms (the worship service was under a pavilion so the rain blowing in and lightning around us was a little hard to ignore).  I was ready to call it a night but I decided to stick it out a little while longer.

Would you like to guess what song they played? . . . Yes, "How He Loves Us"!!! Tommy and I held hands and tears feel and I immediately recalled that similar moment three years ago.  I could see what God had done in us and through us over that time.

And if that was not enough - God did something even greater (as HE often does).  My precious Faith walks up to Tommy and I while that song was playing and gives me roses!!! She gave us a card which she made by tracing her own hands and wrote us a note of gratitude.  We stood there with Faith between us in a close embrace as tears flowed while giving praise to the Lord.  God whispered to me "you didn't leave." The three of us took communion together and reflected on His goodness and our undeserved favor.

The theme of that trip in 2012 when we met Faith and Julie was taken from Colossians 1:17 which says "He is before all things and in Him, all things hold together."  I recognized the truth of those words on that trip and how He truly went before us at that time and was holding us together.  What I failed to recognize was that He keeps doing that again and again.  He went before us to 2015 and held us together, now with Faith and Julie.  And He continues to do it today, tomorrow, and for all eternity.

In the words of the executive director of Back2Back Ministries, Beth Guckenberger, Jesus is our great "Storyweaver." He weaves a beautiful story through Him, by Him, and for Him into our lives.  He does it for the orphan.  He does it for the widow.  He does it for the abandoned.  He does it for Faith and Julie.  He does it for me.  He does it for you.

Good Enough

Have you ever had a hair in your food?  Eewww! So gross, right?  Or worn a stunning outfit to a special event only to spill something on the front right as the evening begins.  Or gotten a scratch on a brand new car.  I can remember going to THE fanciest restaurant ever on my 21st birthday.  One where you have to wait two months for a reservation, even on a Tuesday evening at 5 pm.  I was so impressed when they had one server for each plate they brought out so all the plates could hit the table at the same exact moment.  As fancy as everything was, one of my clearest memories of the night was when my entree was placed in front of me, my eye was immediately drawn to an ant crawling around the edge of the plate.  I couldn't believe it!  I honestly don't remember what I ordered  or how it tasted but I won't forget that little ant.

As human beings we have an eye for imperfections.  When you turn in a rental car, they don't care how much of the car is not scratched.  They thoroughly inspect what scratches ARE there.  Or when you tell your kids to clean their room, you aren't too impressed with the five toys that made it into the correct bin but you're more concerned with 30 still scattered around the room.  I often wonder why people think their security for eternity will be any different.  Most people who believe in heaven would agree it's going to be awesome.  There won't be pain or sadness or suffering or humidity or black widow spiders.  We will be at peace and have all we need with no concept of lack.  Perfect. Completely perfect!

But we are not perfect.  I always find it interesting when asking someone about how to get to heaven and their response is, "I try to be a good person."  I have bad news friends.  No one is good.  Not one.  Just like the ant at the 5 star restaurant or the stain on the outfit or the scratch in the car, the minute we miss the mark of "good," we are imperfect.  When we yell at our parents or lust after someone or have thoughts of malice, we demonstrate those imperfections.  Paul recounts teachings from the Old Testament that say, "There is none righteous, no, not one; There is none who understands; . . .  There is none who does good, no, not one" (Romans 3:10-12, NKJV).  He goes on to say, "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of the God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus." (Romans 3:23-24, NKJV).

That is our only hope: Jesus Christ.  He was the blameless sacrifice for our filth and imperfections, big and small.  "For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, who gave Himself a ransom for all" (1 Timothy 2:5-6a, NKJV).  Before the crucifixion of Jesus, the only way to become "right" with the Lord was through sacrificing animals as a way to literally pay for sins.  This lead to a lot of self-righteousenss and an all-consuming diligence to obeying the Law (the list of rules, rights, wrongs, and how to stay in God's favor).  It gave favor to the wealthy and the educated.  Jesus came to fulfill the Law through Himself being the ultimate sacrifice.  This has freed us from all the doing and allows us to live by His Holy Spirit through extending grace and mercy, without partiality.

For my dear friends who believe in Jesus Christ as their Redeemer and Savior, this is not new information.  Maybe just a good reminder of the awesome gift He has given us.  For my dear friends who don't believe that Jesus is their Redeemer and Savior, you are the audience I have in mind as I write these words.  How do you know you are "good enough" to enter the heavenly paradise for eternity?  Who determines that you are "good?"  How can your imperfections be allowed into a perfect place?  These are valid questions and that will one day demand an answer, either on this side of eternity or the other.

Our Portion

It's been about a year since we moved to California and what a great year it's been.  Our lease was up and we were starting to contemplate buying a house since we are pretty sure we will be here at least four more years.  The schools are amazing and we love the area.  In addition, my husband and I enjoy watching HGTV and fixing things up and we often dream of working together to restore a house into OUR home.  However, a few years ago I felt the Lord speak to me with absolute clarity that for our family, that would not be in our near future (maybe one day but not anytime soon).  I knew the Lord was calling us to be available to go wherever He sends us in His timing.  For some reason my selfishness has been getting in the way lately and I can't help but want something a little more permanent.  

Over the past few weeks I have been reading through the Bible and am currently in the book of Numbers.  Not one of the most popular books of the Bible and there are many times I find myself skimming over hard to pronounce names and not being able to connect with the way of life described.  However I still ask the Lord to speak to because His Word is alive and able to move regardless of the "entertainment" value.  As I was reading in Numbers 18, the duties of the priests and the Levites were being described (again, not an edge-of-your-seat passage).  I was learning how there were people called to something different than the rest of the tribes.  At the end of chapter 18, the Lord speaks to Aaron and says "You shall have no inheritance in their land, nor shall you have any portion among them. I am your portion and your inheritance among the children of Israel."

I immediately knew this was a word for me at a time I really needed it.  I get caught up in earthly comforts and worldly desires.  I know my preferences for home decorating sometimes more than I know God's preferences for my life.  I tend to be an organized person and can clearly tell anyone where something is or belongs in each room of my house.  But when it comes to knowing the Lord that intimately, I often lack.  Not only did the Lord tell Aaron that he wouldn't have an inheritance or a portion but He also said "I AM your portion AND your inheritance."  Whatever God calls us away from, He desires to take that place and be enough.  I realize with greater certainty that He desires to be my portion. To sustain me.  To fill me. And for me know Him.  I know the house thing might seem silly or not a big deal but it's what gets the attention that is meant for the Lord.  What is it that God might be calling you away from?  It could actually be a good thing but not "your" thing.  How will He be your portion and your inheritance?

Our Measuring Stick

Twitter.  Facebook. Google+. Voxer.  Youtube.  Oh social media . . . What have you done to us? We are living in a generation that is so consumed with putting out there every area of our life from what we ate for breakfast to how long we ran to who we saw in Starbucks to what craft our kids made.  Although there is some benefit from that feeling of connectedness to others, it can definitely create a constant need to see where we measure up.  For example, if you take a group photo, who is the first person you look at when you see the picture?  Yourself.  So when we read about all the "great" things other people do, we can't help but reflect on ourself and see by subconsciously thinking things like "yeah, well I did that too" or "I wish I had that kind of time and money" or "I wish my kid could do that" or whatever other thoughts we internalize to compare someone else's life against our own.  The result is that we start to take that process of measuring up into other areas of our life. 

I see this being especially detrimental when we take it into our walk with the Lord.  We look at how someone else worships or how much of the Bible they know or how they serve and start to compare our own life against theirs to find out where we "rate." I used to feel such a sense of inadequacy as a Christian because I had never prayed the sinner's prayer with anyone.  I felt like since I never brought someone to the Lord, what good have I possibly done for the Kingdom of God?  Isn't that exactly what Satan wants us to think.  

I was recently talking with a dear Christian friend who definitely seeks the approval of others. She was noting how confident other people seem and was asking for prayer that she could have a "backbone" and speak with greater boldness without so much anxiety about about what others thought. I told her I wouldn't pray that for her (so rude, right?). What I believed she was failing to see was how God was using her gentle warm friendly spirit to welcome people who otherwise wouldn't know or talk to anyone. The reason why she might not tend to speak with conviction into someone's life is because God effectively uses her to be a place of safety and comfort, not for telling hard truths. I know this because she's done so for me. I wanted her to see her gift in the light of God's plan and not an earthly comparison. Instead I prayed for her that she would obey only the Holy Spirit to lead where He follows and regardless of what it looks like, she would be filled with a divine peace knowing her purpose, whether in boldness or quiet obedience.  And if she leaves a situation without speaking with boldness, that she could trust The Lord has equipped someone else to do so.  I pray the same for you: that you would use YOUR unique gifts and strengths to their fullest divine potential without any earthly measuring stick involved.