Loved and Lovely

My precious Trinity.  She is six and full of life and creativity and intellect.  Trinity is the little girl I always prayed for and the Lord answered my prayers.  She brings a sense of light in every room and has such a magnetic personality that captures so many hearts.

My precious Trinity.  On the opposite of every gift and joy carries the same degree of weight from challenges and obstacles . . . and she is no exception.  Trinity is often emotional and reactive and impulsive.  So many days end with me shaking my head in confusion and frustration feeling like somewhere I'm going wrong.  I witness her be hurtful at times or careless or thoughtless or disobedient and I spin my brain trying to figure out how to reach her heart to see the bigger picture.

This past Sunday we had a moment that is worth recording and sharing.  Trinity picked out her outfit (which didn't match, she didn't care, and I didn't want to fight) and asked if I would curl her hair . . . something that rarely happens.  Day after day of taking away privileges and finding consequences, I needed to find a way to give to her and I said yes.  So I quickly got ready for church to make time to curl my little girl's hair, not wanting to miss the moment.  I had some music playing and we stood their in the bathroom as mother and daughter while I curled her cornsilk hair.  We were singing and smiling and cherishing this sweet time.

With each turn of the curling iron and each strand of hair, I began to just pray over her (and myself).  I realized that I was operating from a place of defeat rather than victory in my parenting.  I needed more humility.  I prayed something that I've heard my brother pray when he talks about women.  I prayed about her being loved and lovely

I prayed that Trinity would see herself as LOVED.  In the most fundamental (and usual subconscious) way, we often operate from a place of scarcity.  That if someone gets the attention, then there is not enough for me.  If something is given away, then there is loss for someone else.  But in the kingdom of God, that is not the case.  God always provides enough.  And we can operate from a place of being LOVED, unconditionally and without restraint.  We don't have to look to others for our value.  If we get acknowledged by someone for our good deed or our pretty looks or our thoughts, that's awesome.  But if we don't, we can trust that we are still loved.  We might know that in theory but to live with that truth is much different.  I see the ways people, especially girls (Trinity, her friends, me, my friends) live in a place that "I can secure my value and purpose if I'm better than ___." But when we embrace how deeply WE are loved individually and how much EACH PERSON is loved individually, we can celebrate their moment to shine knowing we are EACH carrying the image of God.

• Ephesians 2:4-5 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, evenwhen we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved—
• Psalm 86:15 But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.
• "God’s unfailing love for us is an objective fact affirmed over and over in the Scriptures. It is true whether we believe it or not. Our doubts do not destroy God’s love, nor does our faith create it. It originates in the very nature of God, who is love, and it flows to us through our union with His beloved Son."  ~ Jerry Bridges

I continued to pray for Trinity that she would be LOVELY.  I don't mean that as she will be pretty and polite (although those are good things) but that because she would embrace how much she IS loved in relation to the Lord, that she will have the confidence to BE lovely originating from the inside.  Her "loveliness" would come from a place of her love for others.  With confidence of being LOVED, her ability to love others would be a natural by-product.  I strongly desire for Trinity to seek justice and love mercy and there are times that being "lovely" doesn't always look lovely.  And that is ok.  But from her heart of hearts, I pray her love for others will be her true north always pointing back to the Father and not to herself.  When love is rooted in ourself separate from the Lord, it ends up becoming self-serving and self-seeking.  But when it is rooted in Christ, it always remains selfless and pure.  

• John 13:34-35  A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
• Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
• "God is love. Therefore love. Without distinction, without calculation, without procrastination, love."  ~ Henry Drummond

And as this sweet moment unfolded, my heart softened and I saw Trinity not in relation to myself as her mother or even in relation to herself, but most of all for who she was in relation to her Heavenly Father.  I was overwhelmed with joy and gratitude to care for this treasure from heaven.  And in that bathroom, we sang along together to the song that was playing.  It was "No Longer Slaves" by Bethel Music.  The lines in the song that touched me was: 

"You split the sea so I could walk right through it.  My fears were drowned in perfect love.  

You rescued me so I could stand and sing I am a child of God."  

Over and over the line "I am a child of God" was sang.  My precious Trinity and I shared that moment and more importantly that truth.  That we are children of God.  

Her hair was done and the moment was over but the truth remained.  She skipped out the bathroom feeling lovely.  And my prayer continues to be that she IS lovely because she IS LOVED.  

. . . And if that wasn't enough from the Lord.  At church that very day, we had a guest praise and worship leader.  Would you like to guess one of the songs that was played?  Yes, "No Longer Slaves."  I was overwhelmed with gratitude for a Father in heaven who loves me and sees me and loves Trinity and sees her.  And He saw the depth of that moment in the bathroom by underlining it with a song.  I started to cry and if anyone was watching, they must have thought I was really going through a tough place.  In reality I was soaring with joy for a God who loves and sees my heart.  He knows my failures and my strengths.  He is my only hope and I am blessed to be a child of God. 

He is good

I posted a few months back about our unexpected move to North Carolina and the initial disappointment it brought.  With time, we grew to accept that the move was coming so we did what all resilient military families do....we pulled ourselves up by our "boot straps" and headed East.  We left California with sadness about the goodbyes and changes coming, but hopeful that God's plan would surely bring about something even better.

So we went through Christmas and New Year's living out of suitcases and began our exploration in the beautiful South with hope and and expectation.  We have time after time tried our best to "look on the bright side."  But can I be honest to say that we are disappointed.  The schools are not as good and our kids are not as motivated.  The churches we have visited feel superficial while growing wide but not biblically deep.  The weather is gray and rainy.  We have faced physical ailments and illnesses.  We are still waiting to officially move in and have been living out of suitcases that were packed for three weeks and it's now been two and half months. And to top it off, we have a ten month deployment on the near horizon.

I write all this not as a tale of woe because believe me, I know it pales in comparison to the struggles that there could be.  However, it has been discouraging.  We believed there was something better waiting for us.  We hoped and prayed and had peace in His plan.  And now this? So there is a natural tendency to question God and wonder what God was/is doing.  I often want to ask "why did we have to move?" and we confess that conversation has occurred.

But then truth resurfaces and we remember "our ways are not His ways"(Isaiah 55:8).  He is God and and sees into the future with all His goodness and mercy that our human limitations don't allow (phew).  I also know that my "better" and His "better" are not the same.  And I am reminded that I am not alone in my moments of questioning.  In the bible in the book of Matthew chapter 11, John the Baptist . . . THE John the Baptist, came to a similar place of wondering.  In Matthew chapter 4 John had the privilege to baptize Jesus and witness the Holy Spirit come upon Jesus and declare that Jesus was God's beloved son in whom He was well pleased.  Then 7 chapters later, John is in prison and sends a message to ask Jesus "are you the Coming One or do we look for another?" In essence, he was asking, "are you sure you're the Messiah, the King we've been waiting for because you aren't doing what I thought you would?  I'm in jail which I'm pretty sure shouldn't be part of this new kingdom thing." Jesus sends a message back telling John of ALL He is doing in hopes to remind John that He IS in fact fulfilling the prophesies of the Old Testament.

So why did John the Baptist die in prison? I don't know.  Why did we have to move? I don't know.  Why do hardships come when it feels like we are in a "good" place? I don't know that either.  But I DO know without a doubt that God is good and has always been good and always will be good.  I know that He loves our family, He loved John the Baptist, and He loves you.  That doesn't mean that suffering and hardship are removed.  When I pray that His will be done, I am in essence saying that it's no longer about my comfort or my contentment but I lay that down to be close to the Father.  This is not easy and goes against all my tendencies towards self-preservation.  However when I do, I find peace and rest.  I see His hand at work and trust that He is good.

Oh! The Places We'll Go

"Come now, you who say, 'today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit', whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow.  For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for little time and then vanishes away.  Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that." James 4:13-15 (NKJV - emphasis mine)

I have reflected on this verse a lot lately.  It's posted on my microwave, I see it often, and I pray those words repeatedly.  For those of you who know our family, we said when we moved to CA two years ago that my husband Tommy would finish out his military career here until he retires in 2018.  We believed that.  We planned on that.  And now today, that plan is changing.  

We found out a few weeks ago that we have orders to move to North Carolina and we will be leaving in two months.  In all honesty, we are devastated.  We miss our family that lives on the east coast and we are SO grateful for what lies in our future making memories with cousins, grandparents and extended family.  But in this moment, we are sad.  

We have called Temecula, CA home.  Some have called it Pleasantville and we kind of agree.  It's always sunny (hence the drought).  There's so much to do and see.  The ocean is so beautiful and full of wildlife.  But more than the landscape or the climate, it is the people who have captured our heart.  So instead of bitterness for moving (at a really terrible time of year), I chose gratitude for what I have experienced.  

I am grateful for the schools that my children have attended.  For the teachers who pour into them not just the facts, curriculum, and numbers, but good morals and respect.  They have challenged both Zion and Trinity in different yet specific ways to keep them developing into awesome kids who demonstrate kindness and obedience.  They have taught them things not just to make them smarter but also wiser.  I am so thankful for their commitment to them and they will be deeply missed.

I am grateful for my job.  I work at a stellar pediatric therapy clinic that has been a part of me growing leaps and bounds professionally.  I have learned about unique diagnoses, equipment, therapy interventions, and most of all compassion on a level I have not seen elsewhere.  I have heard devastating stories and celebrated profound triumphs.  I look forward to what lies ahead for me as a pediatric physical therapist and I know that the lives of little children I get to impact in the future will reap the benefits of my time working here.  

I am grateful for my neighborhood and my friends.  This could be a long paragraph and in reality, if I wrote a book it wouldn't do you all justice.  You have cared for our children, fed us some of the most delectable food we've ever tasted, shared your best wine, laughed the biggest laughs and cried real tears.  You have been the family we needed when ours was so far away.  Thank you for your generosity, your time, your loyalty, and your unconditional love.  

And probably the hardest thing that we have to say goodbye to is our church.  You, as a whole, reflect the truth of Jesus in every way.  The way Christ would speak into the hard realities of people's lives yet reflect the unwavering grace and forgiveness of a loving Father - you do that!  You teach the Word well - not just with a memorable sermon but with actions.  Not just the pastors but the congregation who attend.  You give, you serve, you love, you listen, you care, you hope, you laugh, you celebrate.  Everything that I see reflects the Savior.  I pray with everything in me that I can take just a sliver of what you do, and bring it to the next church we call home.  Thank you for letting me serve here.  Thank you for encouraging me to grow in the Lord.  Thank you for your Kingdom work.  Great is your reward!

So now we must pack up our life, throw out our junk, wipe our tears, and go east.  We know that just like God has done here, He will do the same there.  We trust Him more than ever and know that ultimately this world is not our home.  So whether we find our feet in California, North Carolina, Mexico, Africa, or some other distant land, we pray that His Kingdom come and His will be done.  Amen.

He went before us

My husband Tommy and I have recently returned from visiting Monterrey, Mexico where we have been sponsoring two young ladies for the past three years with Back2Back Ministries.  This ministry works with various children's homes in the area of Monterrey (and other locations worldwide) to meet their physical, emotional, spiritual, educational, and social needs.  With each visit we have made, our love continues to deepen for the people who live and serve with this organization.

When Tommy and I went on our first mission trip together three years ago where we met these sweet girls that we sponsor, I must confess with great transparency that we were in a difficult place in our marriage.  We were disconnected and discontent.  As people prayed for our trip, for protection and divine interactions, I confided to my closest sisters in Christ that I needed a miracle for our marriage.  And praise to the Father in heaven who hears and cares - HE answered.  I would like to share the beautiful weaving of moments that bring us to our most recent trip.

This is an excerpt from the blog I posted from 2012 about the day I fell in love with one of the girls we sponsor:

"As I spoke with one girl about school and her hopes for the future, she volunteered some of the painful events of her history that brought her to a children's home.  She cried and so did I.  Her heart was breaking for at least the thousandth time I'm sure and I held her in my arms as the tears flowed.  I felt honored to be the one to comfort her but leaving that day was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I got on the bus and fell into Tommy's arms saying 'I don't want to leave her.'"

What I didn't share from that trip was the evening after I met this girl (we will call her Faith), we attended a worship service.  Like usual, there was some distance between Tommy and I, but I could feel a softening taking place in our hearts.  The song "How He Loves Us" by David Crowder was played and something miraculous happened.  I could tangibly feel our hearts connect and by the power of the Holy Spirit, our marriage was restored.  It is undoubtedly one of the most powerful moments of the Holy Spirit moving that I have ever experienced.  I can testify that our marriage has never been the same.  God heard and answered.

Through the years we have stayed faithful to "not leaving" the girls we met on that trip.  We support them through daily prayers, monthly financial giving, and trips to Monterrey as often as we are able.

Fast forward to our most recent visit.  We were there this time to celebrate the 15th birthday of the other girl we sponsor (we will call her Julie - and I'll have to write about the details of our time with her in another blog).  On our first evening at the Back2Back campus, we were attending a similar worship service like the one I described from 2012.  There were SO many distractions: exhaustion from our night of traveling, sound system problems, torrential thunder storms (the worship service was under a pavilion so the rain blowing in and lightning around us was a little hard to ignore).  I was ready to call it a night but I decided to stick it out a little while longer.

Would you like to guess what song they played? . . . Yes, "How He Loves Us"!!! Tommy and I held hands and tears feel and I immediately recalled that similar moment three years ago.  I could see what God had done in us and through us over that time.

And if that was not enough - God did something even greater (as HE often does).  My precious Faith walks up to Tommy and I while that song was playing and gives me roses!!! She gave us a card which she made by tracing her own hands and wrote us a note of gratitude.  We stood there with Faith between us in a close embrace as tears flowed while giving praise to the Lord.  God whispered to me "you didn't leave." The three of us took communion together and reflected on His goodness and our undeserved favor.

The theme of that trip in 2012 when we met Faith and Julie was taken from Colossians 1:17 which says "He is before all things and in Him, all things hold together."  I recognized the truth of those words on that trip and how He truly went before us at that time and was holding us together.  What I failed to recognize was that He keeps doing that again and again.  He went before us to 2015 and held us together, now with Faith and Julie.  And He continues to do it today, tomorrow, and for all eternity.

In the words of the executive director of Back2Back Ministries, Beth Guckenberger, Jesus is our great "Storyweaver." He weaves a beautiful story through Him, by Him, and for Him into our lives.  He does it for the orphan.  He does it for the widow.  He does it for the abandoned.  He does it for Faith and Julie.  He does it for me.  He does it for you.

Good Enough

Have you ever had a hair in your food?  Eewww! So gross, right?  Or worn a stunning outfit to a special event only to spill something on the front right as the evening begins.  Or gotten a scratch on a brand new car.  I can remember going to THE fanciest restaurant ever on my 21st birthday.  One where you have to wait two months for a reservation, even on a Tuesday evening at 5 pm.  I was so impressed when they had one server for each plate they brought out so all the plates could hit the table at the same exact moment.  As fancy as everything was, one of my clearest memories of the night was when my entree was placed in front of me, my eye was immediately drawn to an ant crawling around the edge of the plate.  I couldn't believe it!  I honestly don't remember what I ordered  or how it tasted but I won't forget that little ant.

As human beings we have an eye for imperfections.  When you turn in a rental car, they don't care how much of the car is not scratched.  They thoroughly inspect what scratches ARE there.  Or when you tell your kids to clean their room, you aren't too impressed with the five toys that made it into the correct bin but you're more concerned with 30 still scattered around the room.  I often wonder why people think their security for eternity will be any different.  Most people who believe in heaven would agree it's going to be awesome.  There won't be pain or sadness or suffering or humidity or black widow spiders.  We will be at peace and have all we need with no concept of lack.  Perfect. Completely perfect!

But we are not perfect.  I always find it interesting when asking someone about how to get to heaven and their response is, "I try to be a good person."  I have bad news friends.  No one is good.  Not one.  Just like the ant at the 5 star restaurant or the stain on the outfit or the scratch in the car, the minute we miss the mark of "good," we are imperfect.  When we yell at our parents or lust after someone or have thoughts of malice, we demonstrate those imperfections.  Paul recounts teachings from the Old Testament that say, "There is none righteous, no, not one; There is none who understands; . . .  There is none who does good, no, not one" (Romans 3:10-12, NKJV).  He goes on to say, "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of the God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus." (Romans 3:23-24, NKJV).

That is our only hope: Jesus Christ.  He was the blameless sacrifice for our filth and imperfections, big and small.  "For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, who gave Himself a ransom for all" (1 Timothy 2:5-6a, NKJV).  Before the crucifixion of Jesus, the only way to become "right" with the Lord was through sacrificing animals as a way to literally pay for sins.  This lead to a lot of self-righteousenss and an all-consuming diligence to obeying the Law (the list of rules, rights, wrongs, and how to stay in God's favor).  It gave favor to the wealthy and the educated.  Jesus came to fulfill the Law through Himself being the ultimate sacrifice.  This has freed us from all the doing and allows us to live by His Holy Spirit through extending grace and mercy, without partiality.

For my dear friends who believe in Jesus Christ as their Redeemer and Savior, this is not new information.  Maybe just a good reminder of the awesome gift He has given us.  For my dear friends who don't believe that Jesus is their Redeemer and Savior, you are the audience I have in mind as I write these words.  How do you know you are "good enough" to enter the heavenly paradise for eternity?  Who determines that you are "good?"  How can your imperfections be allowed into a perfect place?  These are valid questions and that will one day demand an answer, either on this side of eternity or the other.

Our Portion

It's been about a year since we moved to California and what a great year it's been.  Our lease was up and we were starting to contemplate buying a house since we are pretty sure we will be here at least four more years.  The schools are amazing and we love the area.  In addition, my husband and I enjoy watching HGTV and fixing things up and we often dream of working together to restore a house into OUR home.  However, a few years ago I felt the Lord speak to me with absolute clarity that for our family, that would not be in our near future (maybe one day but not anytime soon).  I knew the Lord was calling us to be available to go wherever He sends us in His timing.  For some reason my selfishness has been getting in the way lately and I can't help but want something a little more permanent.  

Over the past few weeks I have been reading through the Bible and am currently in the book of Numbers.  Not one of the most popular books of the Bible and there are many times I find myself skimming over hard to pronounce names and not being able to connect with the way of life described.  However I still ask the Lord to speak to because His Word is alive and able to move regardless of the "entertainment" value.  As I was reading in Numbers 18, the duties of the priests and the Levites were being described (again, not an edge-of-your-seat passage).  I was learning how there were people called to something different than the rest of the tribes.  At the end of chapter 18, the Lord speaks to Aaron and says "You shall have no inheritance in their land, nor shall you have any portion among them. I am your portion and your inheritance among the children of Israel."

I immediately knew this was a word for me at a time I really needed it.  I get caught up in earthly comforts and worldly desires.  I know my preferences for home decorating sometimes more than I know God's preferences for my life.  I tend to be an organized person and can clearly tell anyone where something is or belongs in each room of my house.  But when it comes to knowing the Lord that intimately, I often lack.  Not only did the Lord tell Aaron that he wouldn't have an inheritance or a portion but He also said "I AM your portion AND your inheritance."  Whatever God calls us away from, He desires to take that place and be enough.  I realize with greater certainty that He desires to be my portion. To sustain me.  To fill me. And for me know Him.  I know the house thing might seem silly or not a big deal but it's what gets the attention that is meant for the Lord.  What is it that God might be calling you away from?  It could actually be a good thing but not "your" thing.  How will He be your portion and your inheritance?

Our Measuring Stick

Twitter.  Facebook. Google+. Voxer.  Youtube.  Oh social media . . . What have you done to us? We are living in a generation that is so consumed with putting out there every area of our life from what we ate for breakfast to how long we ran to who we saw in Starbucks to what craft our kids made.  Although there is some benefit from that feeling of connectedness to others, it can definitely create a constant need to see where we measure up.  For example, if you take a group photo, who is the first person you look at when you see the picture?  Yourself.  So when we read about all the "great" things other people do, we can't help but reflect on ourself and see by subconsciously thinking things like "yeah, well I did that too" or "I wish I had that kind of time and money" or "I wish my kid could do that" or whatever other thoughts we internalize to compare someone else's life against our own.  The result is that we start to take that process of measuring up into other areas of our life. 

I see this being especially detrimental when we take it into our walk with the Lord.  We look at how someone else worships or how much of the Bible they know or how they serve and start to compare our own life against theirs to find out where we "rate." I used to feel such a sense of inadequacy as a Christian because I had never prayed the sinner's prayer with anyone.  I felt like since I never brought someone to the Lord, what good have I possibly done for the Kingdom of God?  Isn't that exactly what Satan wants us to think.  

I was recently talking with a dear Christian friend who definitely seeks the approval of others. She was noting how confident other people seem and was asking for prayer that she could have a "backbone" and speak with greater boldness without so much anxiety about about what others thought. I told her I wouldn't pray that for her (so rude, right?). What I believed she was failing to see was how God was using her gentle warm friendly spirit to welcome people who otherwise wouldn't know or talk to anyone. The reason why she might not tend to speak with conviction into someone's life is because God effectively uses her to be a place of safety and comfort, not for telling hard truths. I know this because she's done so for me. I wanted her to see her gift in the light of God's plan and not an earthly comparison. Instead I prayed for her that she would obey only the Holy Spirit to lead where He follows and regardless of what it looks like, she would be filled with a divine peace knowing her purpose, whether in boldness or quiet obedience.  And if she leaves a situation without speaking with boldness, that she could trust The Lord has equipped someone else to do so.  I pray the same for you: that you would use YOUR unique gifts and strengths to their fullest divine potential without any earthly measuring stick involved. 

Turning Wine into Water

I can't believe I went through all of 2013 without a single blog entry.  It was a crazy year with a lot of transition but one that God blessed beyond measure.  He clearly reveals so much wisdom to me through the power of the Holy Spirit but I confess that I keep most of it to myself because I don't want to put my thoughts "out there" and possibly offend someone.  However, through conversations with other believers, I realize the benefit in being transparent and trust the prodding at my heart is from God.  So I took the time to put into words which I know so many of us struggle with in Christian living.  

At the heart of the issue is the ways in which we, as Christians, create boundaries for others in an attempt to keep sin at bay but in doing so, we may be stifling the potential for Holy Spirit to convict and move and lead as He sees fit.  In particular I see this evident when it comes to the sensitive topic of Christians who drink . . . yes alcohol (hold your gasp).  This is a subject that I have prayed about, researched, and consulted with people seasoned in their walk with the Lord and I wanted to share what I've learned.  Before I go any further, I am not talking about getting drunk.  It clearly states that being drunk is wrong (Ephesians 5:18 "do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit").  I am talking about an occasional glass of wine with friends or a beer with dinner which I believe we cannot approach with a "one size fits all" mentality.

The easiest way to break it down is to respond to the arguments I have heard used to support why Christians shouldn't drink alcohol.  One of the most common things I hear is that "you don't know what someone struggles with and you wouldn't want to cause a brother to sin."  The verse often quoted is Matthew 18:8 "whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea."  I agree that consciously leading someone to sin is absolutely wrong and encouraging any kind of sinful behavior is an offense against God.  However to interpret this verse to mean we have to avoid something due to the POSSIBILITY that someone MIGHT sin, we are walking into very restrictive territory.  If this is our logic than we must also avoid inviting someone to a buffet or offering someone seconds at a meal because that person MIGHT struggle with gluttony.  It would mean not wearing anything that reveals skin between the ankle and the neck at the POSSIBILITY that someone struggles with lust.  Oh and don't talk about your recent purchases or shopping trips at the risk of tempting someone into greed or jealousy.  Do you see where I'm going?  There is no end to this way of thinking.  I will say that if you know someone struggles with a certain area of temptation or their painful past is revealed, then it is your responsibility to respond out of respect and love accordingly to the issue they share.  But this is not isolated to alcohol but any area including sex, food, idolatry, etc and that is when we rely on the wisdom of the Holy Spirit to give us discernment to handle these situations.  

Another common point made is that "drinking can damage your witness."  There may be some truth to this, especially in the context of church leadership.  I do feel that there are those that God calls to be set a part and this could include the area of consuming alcohol.  But we must be careful to establish policies and platforms that seem to encourage a superficial change for the sake of "what others think." This is the very thing that Jesus told the proud to avoid, "Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment" (John 7:24).  

I was recently reminded of the story in Matthew 15 when the scribes and Pharisees tried to call out the disciples of Jesus for not washing their hands before eating.  There was a tradition passed down from first-century Jews by their elders to wash their hands in a very specific manner before, during and after eating.   However this ritual was not a part of Old Testament law.  Jesus responds to the scribes and Pharisees by pointing out the ways they put tradition over Scripture and in verse 11 Jesus says "Hear and understand: Not what goes into the mouth defiles a man; but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles a man."  Christ came to free us from the law by the power of the Holy Spirit to convict and lead where He pleases.  But yet we continue to live in fear of what others think which in turn paralyzes our walk with the Lord. 

I just heard a statistic this past Sunday that after four years of becoming a Christian, the majority of Christians do not have friends outside of church.  Does this surprise anyone?  It doesn't surprise me because most Christians are too afraid of what their Christian friends think to associate with non-Christians.  What would people think if they saw a pastor coming out of a bar?  Well I don't know what other people would think but I would think "there's someone who knows how to reach the lost." Not in a state of drunkenness or sin, but confident in their faith and walking in the fruit of the Spirit to exercise self-control.  I've also heard that Christians avoid situations where alcohol may be present because of the risk of it being posted on social media and the judgements that may follow.  For me, that is a risk I'm willing to take and if judgements are passed about me based on assumptions then they will be passed regardless of the subject.  It could be on what I was wearing or who I was with or the expression on my face and if I buy into that fear, then I wouldn't go anywhere.

I absolutely believe that God calls some of us to live a life free of alcohol for the sake of His bigger purpose, the same way he calls some people to homeschool or to adopt or to have a large family or to the mission field.  These are all personal convictions between the individual and the Lord and not meant to be blanket directions for all Christians.  We can encourage others who might feel the same way or reveal the ways in which God directed us down a certain path but there should be no condemnation for those who don't make the same choice.  I know that there have been times when I have shared a glass of wine with friends that lead to great conversation and an open dialogue about faith and eternal issues.   I can think of several examples of when having a beer with friends ended with some eye-opening theological discussions.  I recently heard of a chaplain sharing cigars with men who sought his counsel in an effort to foster relationships.  It was his ability to step down into their world for a moment with the love of Jesus that those men shared their heart and felt a genuine connection.  People might call it "compromising" or "being of the world" but I see it as great confidence in the face of temptation or ridicule for the sake of building trusting relationships.  Maybe those conversations could have happened in a different manner but they didn't and God used those encounters in that setting at that time to fulfill a divine appointment.

I have repeatedly asked the Lord if I need to remove alcohol from my life and so far, the answer has been no.  I reflect on the fact that there would be no communion without wine.  It was the wine that was blessed at the passover feast that is referred to His blood shed for us.  It is the wine that came from water at the wedding celebration in Cana which Jesus first revealed His capability to do the impossible . . . and it wasn't just any wine, it was GOOD wine.  And yet so many Christians would rather He have turned wine into water to fit their personal platform.  

This is our family's truth because struggles with alcohol are not part of our past or our present situation.  Therefore we are able to make those decisions with discipline and control.  If this is you, then do so accordingly and if the Holy Spirit convicts otherwise, then obey.  But my prayer is that regardless of what you are convicted of, that you exercise caution and restraint before you pass judgement on others because it is in that prideful air of self-righteousness that we will ultimately fail to walk rightly with the Lord.

He is before all things

It's hard to know where to start in summing up the experience of my recent short-term missions trip.  I guess it begins last September when I went with my brother's church to join an organization called Back2Back Ministries and served for a few days in Monterrey, Mexico.  It was definitely an amazing week.  This same organization has other sites in Mexico as well as India, Nigeria and coming soon, Haiti.  I was definitely touched by my time in Mexico but felt a strong pull to visit their Nigeria site next.  Through a course of events, some gentle encouragement from family, and clear signs from the Lord, it was clear that I was supposed to return to Mexico.  The primary reason was that my brother, his wife, their 9 year old daughter, and my dad were all going.  I spoke to my husband Tommy about it and I asked him if we could go together.  It was unlikely that his schedule would be open during what is usually their busy summer season of teaching but the trip "happen" to land between courses.  This was the first of many indicators that God was directing us to Mexico.  We were blessed by the generosity of others in prayer and in financial contributions that there was no excuse not to go.

Don't get me wrong, we were still hesitant at times and doubting if this was the "right" thing to do but those moments were fleeting and His call was clear.  We knew early into to the trip (actually before we even arrived in Mexico) that our group was going to do great things because the Enemy had our number and was doing his best to bring us down.  We stood firm in prayer and fellowship and remained faithful in our mission to serve.  I am sure you can relate that when we persevere in the face of opposition and challenges, the blessings on the other side are that much sweeter.


Every summer Back2Back Ministries has a theme which surrounds the week for the groups coming to serve.  There is a devotional handed out and every day there is time set aside to spend time in the Word and reflecting on what the staff members from the different sites wrote about in the devotional.  In the past, there have been themes such as "hunger," "shelter," and "water."  It is clear how those things relate to a life in extreme poverty and also those ideas can be tied to what the Lord offers us through salvation.  You know . . . a nice catchy play on words so to speak.  The theme for this summer was from Col 1:17 "He is before all things and in Him all things hold together."  Initially it didn't seem to be as clear a connection to the life of the orphan or widow that we were serving but everyday those words became more true for me and for Tommy.  I find myself resting in that promise and I could see the ways it was true (or becoming true) in the lives of those we met.  It was a blessing to read through the ways that God has been faithful to the staff members as well as the people in our group as we talked through that truth.  

Now this is part when I'm supposed to write what we did or what happened while we were there and I find myself searching for the words that will convey the shift that occured in our hearts. I am at a loss.  I feel as if every fiber of my soul has been woven tighter and with a greater passion for the things of heaven.  I guess for the sake of keeping you in the loop I will highlight a few of the moments that are etched in my mind for eternity:

1.  Attending a church served at one of Casa Hogar Manatial de Amor (this is one of the children's homes that Back2Back serves).  They asked the children to come up to the front and then had the members of our group lay hands on them and pray for them.  I felt the Holy Spirit fall on me and I started to pray in English for one of the teenage girls.  Then I started to remember some words in Spanish and I prayed those words and we both started to cry.  This is the first of many indescribable moments.

2.  Hearing another girl share some of her past that brought her to the children's home.  We are encouraged to ask the children about their present and their future but not their past.  As I spoke with one girl about her present, she volunteered some of the painful events of her history.  She cried and again, so did I.  Her heart was breaking for at least the thousandth time I'm sure and I held her in my arms as the tears flowed.  I felt honored to be the one to comfort her but leaving that day was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I got on the bus and fell into Tommy's arms saying "I don't want to leave her."  That day was probably when the greatest shift happened in my heart.

3.  Seeing boys and girls hang on Tommy as they jumped rope, swam in the pool, or played games.  Children of all ages, both boys and girls, seemed to be so comfortable with him.  At one point he was holding twin 3 year old girls as he jumped rope.  Another time, he had about 6 kids hanging on him in the pool.  He played cards with a boy on his lap.  He knew hardly an Spanish but they were so comfortable with him because of his kindness and gentleness and I was found myself admiring him more than ever.  Everyday I learned the unique ways that Tommy serves and together, we make a great team.

As I'm sure you could guess, this doesn't capture even a fraction of what happened during that week.  I hope to continue to reveal the wondrous ways God is shaping Tommy, myself and our family as a direct result of this awesome trip.  I know we will never be the same.  I know God has great plans for us and I know now more than ever that "He is before all things and in Him, all things hold together."

A Holy Pedicure

Several months ago I met a lady at a nail salon who has been on my heart ever since.  It is worth telling the story of our brief interaction because it is another beautiful example of God's divine presence when we take the time to connect with others.  I decided to get my nails done one Friday afternoon during a rare moment when I had some time to myself.  I went to a nail salon nearby and was helped by a quiet lady from Vietnam.  English was clearly her second language so our conversations were kept simple but her spirit was gentle and I immediately liked her.  We talked about family, what else she does for work, the weather . . . nothing too monumental.  I asked her about her necklace which was a beautiful piece of jade carved into a small Buddha outlined in gold.  She said her mother gave it to her after she had a recent string of bad luck.  Her mother told her to rub it  every day and say a prayer and Buddha would help her.  I asked her what kind of bad luck she had faced and she began to tell me how her family has faced recent financial hardship with her husband losing his job, her having a medical scare which resulted in a $20,000 hospital bill and no insurance, and her daughter struggling to get enough financial aid for college.  I asked her a simple question about rubbing her Buddha necklace, "is it working?"  Her reply with a disappointed frown was "I don't know."  We sat in a few moments of silence and I prayed quietly to myself that the Lord would bridge the gap of cultural and language differences and that He could fill me with the Holy Spirit to meet her in her struggle of faith.  


I hesitantly began to tell her that there is something that I have in my life that gives me peace and I can trust that I am loved and cared for even when life is hard.  She responded "Is it Jesus?"  I said yes and the conversation naturally flowed from there.  She asked me a few questions and I could see her deep in thought as I told her how I have seen His hand in my life and in the lives of others that could not be explained by anything else other than Jesus.  I saw her hesitation and I gently told her that God loves her and that I would honestly pray that her circumstances would change and that she would feel peace in her heart.  I changed the subject after that . . . I didn't want to put her on the spot or make her feel uncomfortable.  


I left that day not knowing her name but having a clear picture of the look of wonder, doubt and curiosity on her face and I continued to think about her on a daily basis.  I returned to get my nails done about a month later on a day when I thought she would be working.  She was there and started to do my nails again.  I wondered if she remembered me so asked her about her family and if she recalled us talking.  Her eyes lit up and she said she did.  Her next question was "did you pray for me?"  I told her I had and thought about her quite often.  She told me that after I met her the first day, she went home and her daughter had asked her for some paperwork to fill out some financial aid forms.  She went into a closet where she kept them and as she reached for what she needed, she saw a small booklet sticking out.  She told me it was a pamphlet about Jesus.  She was in shock!!  She had no idea how it got there.  She was sure that no one else had ever been in those papers or knew where they were.  She told me how she got goosebumps all over and was certain I was an angel and somehow got into her house to put it there.  She actually felt a little scared.  (I assured her I was not definitely not an angel and had never been in her house).  I told her that I didn't know how it had happened but I know God is great and He will do anything to get your attention and prove that He is real and that Jesus is truth.  She came to work the next day and told her coworkers about what had happened and they told her that she was crazy and they didn't remember me being even in the nail salon.  This only made her think that I wasn't really real and that she had imagined the whole thing.  


We talked some more and I answered her questions as best I could.  She also told me that in her family, they think if you believe in Jesus, you literally go insane and lose your mind.  I did my best to be compassionate to what she was facing as she sorted through all her doubts and questions and told her I would continue to pray for her.  I haven't seen her in a few months so I wonder what has transpired in her life. I rarely talk to complete strangers about Jesus and often make an excuse of why I shouldn't (this happens more times that I would like to admit).  This time I had good excuses for not bringing up the subject: she doesn't speak good English, we are from different cultures, I don't want to make her mad and then she'll mess up my nails . . . the list goes on.  But for whatever reason I decided to take the risk.  Not only did I get to be a part of spreading the truth about the Gospel, I also got to witness the power of the Holy Spirit in action to touch someone's heart when everything else says "this is not going to work out well."  In doing so, my faith grew stronger and I am able trust with greater confidence that God gives us just what we need at the times we need it.  There has never been a time when God has let me down, I just hesitate to give Him the opportunity to prove Himself faithful but when I do . . .  I am so glad I did.  

Finding Freedom

Well it's been a while since I've taken the time to sit down and blog . . . probably because I haven't felt like I had anything worthwhile to say.  Hopefully this will be worthwhile to someone.  I have recently encountered a lot of my close sweet friends struggling with depression and anxiety so I thought I would speak from my own personal experience in hopes to offer another perspective on this complicated issue.

I began struggling with depression when I was a young teenager. . . there is no real reason why it turned into the uncontrollable beast that it was . . . no major trauma or event, it just crept up on me and that black pit of despair took root in my life for a long time.  I remember talking to my youth pastor when I first began having symptoms (I was probably 13) and he told me to pray more and read the Bible more.  My biblical knowledge expanded and my conversations with God were more frequent but I was still miserable.  I would try to think about all the wonderful blessings in my life but that didn't remove the hopelessness I felt.  Actually it probably made it worse.  Not only was I depressed, but I had no logical reason for the way I was feeling.  I got professional help when I was about 16 years old to please my family but it wasn't until I was in college that I finally invested myself into therapy and realized I wanted MY life to be different for ME.  I also took medication for a long (long) time.

I have had people personally communicate to me that you can always pray away depression or anxiety or any other mental health issue (I also must say that I know many others who have been so supportive of me while being very understanding and open to a variety of avenues for treatment).  I absolutely believe with all my heart that God frees people from a variety of afflictions and He still preforms miracles in peoples' lives on a regular basis.  But sometimes healing does not happen right away and maybe for some people it never fully comes and God can guide a person to other ways which He offers relief.  I know He did for me.  I often compare someone who is depressed or suffering from uncontrollable anxiety who would benefit from professional help to someone who is newly diagnosed with Type II diabetes and their blood sugar levels are dangerously off the charts.  At some point they might be able to control their blood sugars with diet and exercise but right now, they need professional help (medication, nutritional guidance, etc) to keep them safe and get them to a place of success.  The same way prayer and faith exclusively might be a good option eventually, sometimes more needs to be done.  God is still fully present in those decisions.  I found so much comfort from the following anecdotal story.  I'm sure you've heard it before but it's worth repeating.

There was a man caught in a flood who had a deep faith in God. As the flood waters rose, his neighbors told him, "You have to leave, the flood is going to wash everything away."  Calmly, the man replied, "It's not a problem, God will save me."  As the waters continued to rise to the second floor of the man's house, a boat came by with rescuers. They said, "Quickly, get in, the flood is going to wash everything away."  Again the man replied, "It's not a problem, God will save me."  As the flood worsened, the man was forced to climb onto the roof of his home. A helicopter came, threw down a ladder and the rescuers said, "Climb up. The flood is about to wash everything away."  One more time, the man said, "It's not a problem, God will save me."  Finally, the flood washed everything away, and the man drowned.  When he reached heaven, he saw God. The first thing he asked was, "Lord, I was so certain you would save me, what happened?"  Very perplexed, God said to the man, "I just don't know, I sent you neighbors, a boat and a helicopter to save you. What more were you looking for?"

I was able to realize that God wanted to use other people and other things (like medication) to free me from bondage.  I know that once I got help and took medication, I experienced true freedom in Christ.  I was able to believe in His hope and His peace the way that He promises to provide it.  Before I got help, I was so trapped in my own hurt that I could not serve others and I certainly wasn't an effective for the Kingdom of God.  It's like walking around with a splinter in the bottom of your foot that is infected and painful.  Sure you can get from point A to point B and you can even talk to people along the way but there is a limp in your step and most of your thoughts (conscious or unconscious) revolve around that dang splinter.  I am so blessed to say for now, God continues to set me free without the use of medication.   That is truly only by His grace.  I will absolutely testify that prayer and spending regular time in the Bible is certainly a huge part of the healing process but it took a long time to get to a place where that alone was enough.  There is an undeniable correlation that when my prayer life and study time is consistent, I am filled with great peace and hope.  The opposite is also true that when my time with the Lord is wavering, I can sense more self-doubt and worry creeping in.

So if this is you or someone near and dear to your heart, there is hope and sometimes (not always) it does involve talking to a professional or even taking medication.  That is NOT a cop-out.  It doesn't minimize God's awesomeness or limit His power to heal.  Everyday we have to seek things outside of ourself to be whole.  Whether it is the food we eat, the water we drink, the hug from a friend . . . these are things we cannot give ourself on our own strength.  I'm not saying that every time you have a bad day or even a bad month that you run to some kind of easy fix . . . anyone who has been through counseling or taken medication knows that is not what it is.  I am saying that if you are working so hard all the time trying to grasp onto some glimmer of peace that you are completely and utterly worn out only to still find yourself drowning in your hurt or consuming thoughts, that is not the way God wants us to live.  I know.  I've been there.  There is freedom and there is hope and there is peace.

Christmas chaos

This is definitely the season of the wow factor.  Neighbors are outdoing each other with their elaborate Christmas lights that blink in tune to Jingle Bells.  Stores went from opening at 9 am to 6 am to 3 am to opening at midnight.  The famous "Elf on the Shelf" is becoming increasingly more creative with his middle-of-the-night stunts.  And we all seem to get caught up in this endless Christmas whirlwind no matter how hard we try to fight it. 


I just often wonder what God is thinking when He sees us doing all this.  Probably something along the lines of "here they go again." We have an inflatable nativity scene outside our house with an entire caucasian crew of Mary, Joseph, three wise men, and baby Jesus, all smiling, all with either bleach white scarves on their heads or brightly colored garments, some with blonde hair . . . kind of ridiculous as I think about it.  I guess a mud-thatched stable with manure, stagnant water, and flies filed with a middle-Eastern family wearing dusty garments and Jesus with a poopy loin cloth wouldn't be as appealing.  


Then of course there are the Santa's, the Christmas trees, the lights, the ornaments, the sales, the cookie exchanges, the egg nog . . . and we are celebrating Jesus?  This is where I often become so conflicted.  I love all the festivities of the season and I certainly don't want to be a "Grinch" but all this really pales in comparison to the magnitude of what happened that simple night in Bethlehem.  A young virgin girl got pregnant with the Savior of all mankind.  An angel came to her telling her about this and she responded "I am the Lord's servant."  Seriously?  No wonder God chose her.  Most people would have gone screaming and crying back home to momma (I know I would have).  But she accepted the challenge humbly and willingly.  The Lord has given me responsibilities that are a fraction of a percent compared to Mary and I fight Him tooth and nail.   


So how do we hold true to the real meaning of Christmas?  I honestly don't know.  Every year I try to redefine the balance of the spending, giving, wrapping, baking, decorating with the simple life-changing message of Jesus Christ coming into this world as a baby . . . a squirmy, fussy, poopy, hungry baby . . . who changed the course of history and brought grace to the world.  And every year I hear so many other families trying to find that same balance but really if you live in America there probably their isn't one.   Our lights are too bright, our Christmas songs too loud, our greed too overwhelming for Jesus to compete with that.  He didn't 2000 years ago and He's not going to now.  He came in a simple, quiet manner and that is still His style.   Jesus patiently takes a quiet place in the corner and waits for us to meet Him when we are ready . . . I pray our home and our hearts are more ready this year than any other . . . and I pray the same for you.    

A Real Celebrity

This past September, I went on a short-term missions trip to Monterrey, Mexico with a small group from my brother's church.  We met up with an organization called Back 2 Back Ministries who serve the people of Monterrey, Mexico as well as people in Cancun, India, and Nigeria.  Their main focus is to "provide care for today and hope for tomorrow."  Over the course of those few days, my heart was changed and I think about the orphans of the world on a regular basis.  In Mexico, Back 2 Back Ministries assists at "homes" called Casa Hogars which function similar to an orphanage but the children are not completely abandoned.  They have some degree of family but no one to care for them regularly so they live at these homes.

One of the days we were there, we got to take some children to the zoo.  For many of them it was their first field trip.  One of the girls who were a part of little bunch was named Alondra.  She was quiet but opened up a little more as the day went on.  At one point while we were on the bus, she pointed to some mountains and she told me that the United States is on the other side and one day my dad is going to take me there.  I don't know anything about these kids' histories but I was pretty certain this was just a dream.  I could see her wounded spirit and prayed that somehow, these moments with missions teams who come to love and serve as well as her regular care givers would one day begin to heal whatever scars remain from her past.

Our trip to the zoo

Miguel and Michael

There was another boy named Miguel who my brother Michael met last year.  Last year he was fairly new to the casa hogar and my brother tells me that Miguel barely left his side.  This year he was more confident and seemed to be doing well.  Miguel did continue to stick close with us when we were there and he proudly showed us the room he shares with some other boys and the bed where he sleeps.  Actually he sprinted ahead to clean it up when he knew we were on our way to take a look.  Miguel reminded me of my son Zion with his tender heart, a desire to please, and his sensitive soul.  When my brother was saying goodbye, Miguel said to him "you are a good friend."  Those words were so meaningful because really that is all we wanted to be to them.  We know we cannot "fix" all that is broken but we just want to be their friends.  To remind them that Jesus loves them and so do we.

I recently received the magazine that Back 2 Back Ministries publishes to let people know what they are doing at the different locations they serve.  Guess who was on the cover?  Alondra!  I filled up with tears.  I felt like I know a real celebrity.  There was a spread in the middle of the magazine about her and what it is like to live a "Day in the Life of an Orphan."  As I flipped through the magazine, guess who was on the last page with his sweet smile?  Miguel!  I know two celebrities!  It was article written about how much the communication with his sponsors means to him.  I was so proud of them and so excited that I knew them!

Now many of you know that I recently attended the Marine Corps Ball and Justin Timberlake sat at my table.  It was definitely an amazing experience.  There were so many people around our table the whole night, so many camera flashes, so much attention.  And other than the 100 people that came up to get their picture take with him, he seemed like a regular guy.  He told jokes (some not-so-funny ones).  He took pictures for people at our table.  We all laughed through out the evening.  He was very respectful and gracious.  It was a great night and he actually told Tommy and I that we reminded him of his friends.  I was flattered.

Believe me, I got caught up in that moment with Justin Timberlake at my table but really, he doesn't need  me to be his fan.  He's got millions.  Alondra and Miguel do.  The orphans and widows and homeless do.  The people of this world who have been forgotten need fans.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity to meet Justin Timberlake, especially as he honored the great legacy of the Marine Corps.  But truthfully it doesn't hold a candle to my experience serving in Mexico.  Those children changed my life.  I hope and I pray that I make the most of every opportunity to be a friend to the friendless and give a voice to the forgotten.

Bedtime Battle

The other day we were planning to have some family time to read the bible together with our children.  It was getting late and meltdowns were fast approaching but we were trying to be optimistic.  No matter what we asked Zion (our 5 year old) to do, it was met with whining, protest, or no response at all.  Finally, he was issued a "time out."  This was the start of the meltdown.  He was sent to sit by himself in the bathroom to think about how he could have better behavior while we waited in his bedroom.  I went in to talk to him but he was so upset and unable to listen to anything I was trying to say.  I finally told him that it was getting too late and he was too tired so maybe we should read the bible tomorrow when we were all more rested.  At this point, he was crying, stomping his feet, and screaming (which is pretty unlike him).  He was literally yelling "I WANT TO READ THE BIBLE!" over and over and over.   I had to leave the room before I busted out laughing.  The irony of what he was saying and how he was saying it was too much for me to handle.  At face value, hearing your child say that he/she wants to read the bible is awesome.  However, the way he was saying it was void of love, void of self-control, void of gentleness and void of pure intent.  Instead it was manipulative, rude, and self-seeking.  I could have been fooled and thought something like "wow, he must really love the bible because he's so adamant about wanting to read it."  I have been around kids enough to know this was not the case.

I have thought back on this evening several times and how apparent it was to me that Zion's behavior is not uncommon.  I have known some adults just like this.  They speak of Godly things or quote scripture or boast of their righteousness but little else in their life demonstrates a pure heart.  In Galations 5 it say that the "fruit of the Spirit is love, joy peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control  . . . some good things to keep in mind when we are looking for evidence of how a person's heart aligns with God's (or where our own heart aligns with God's).  Unfortunately I can think back on times when I have "talked the talk" but my intentions have been selfish and clearly less than pure.  

I pray that Zion will one day truly become this zealous for the things of God and have a sincere desire to read the bible.  In the meantime, I hope that I can be wise enough to know the difference between what he says and where his heart is.   I pray the same for you.  That we would be discerning of what people say and of what "fruits of the Spirit" they may or may not be demonstrating . . . that we would "test all things; hold fast that which is good" (1 Thes. 5:21).  More than anything, I pray that you or I are not this person.  

Get moving

Don't you hate it when your feet fall asleep?  You sat in a position for too long or maybe got lost in some toilet reading and you go to get up . . . oh not again . . . that uncomfortable feeling of pins and needles.  You might stomp your foot, shake your leg, or just tread gingerly until it passes and full sensation is restored.  I think the worst part of this feeling is knowing it is often preventable.  "If only I moved sooner."  "How did I not feel this happening?"

This is far too often the case with me spiritually.  I get complacent.  I get lost in nonsense and when I want to get back on track, my first few steps are painful.  I become frustrated with myself for paying too much attention to things that don't matter and losing sight of what matters to the Lord.  Spiritually I finally tuned into God and I moved.

The other thing when hands or feet "fall asleep" is that those sensations are actually healthy normal responses that tell us our nervous and cardiovascular systems are functioning properly.  If they didn't work in this manner, no uncomfortable sensation would follow (as in the case with prolonged diabetes or when someone has a spinal cord injury).  The results are pressure sores, tissue damage, and in the worst cases, amputation.

I try to keep this in mind with regard to my spiritual walk.   The discomfort that moves me (maybe when I haven't been moved in a while) is normal and healthy and evidence that my soul is still intact.  It is actually a good thing even though it doesn't feel like it at the time.  I might take a few stumbling steps to get back on track but it is worth it.  Although I pray that I don't become complacent in the first place, I am thankful for the reminder (even when it is painful) to get moving.

The Magic Bucket

Without fail every time we get in the car, Zion has to bring a toy or two to keep himself entertained while we drive somewhere.  The other day he brought a trick-or-treat bucket (thank you McDonald's Happy Meal) filled with a few treasures; a gun, his wallet and a Matchbox car.  So we are in the car, he has his bucket on his lap, and he loses control of the bucket but catches it just in time.  The bucket tips over but nothing falls out.  He says (and I quote), "I guess this IS a magic bucket."  I chuckled at his simple explanation for what just occurred.

A few minutes later, the same thing happens . . . he starts to drop the bucket but this time, he's a little too late with his reflexes and the contents of the bucket fall on the floor.  He quickly responds by saying, "I guess it's not a magic bucket after all."  I found this response even more humorous and couldn't help but LOL, literally.  When the result wasn't as cool and the outcome not as desirable, the bucket lost it's magic.  I am not one to turn every little encounter with my children into a profound spiritual analogy but as I have thought about this (and even tried to put it into a simple facebook status), I can't help but see a striking connection to what happens in our own lives.

When God blesses us with something unexpected or undeserved, we call it a miracle . . . something that can't be explained . . . maybe to the unbeliever, magic.  However when our life falls out on the floor, or the consequences of our actions become apparent, or we encounter an obstacle, God often becomes less awesome. He loses his "magic."  But just as the bucket was the same bucket regardless of what happened to the prized possessions on the inside, God is still God and still good and still sovereign and still gracious regardless of whether or not a "miracle" is present.

Do you ever wonder if the disciples felt this way?  When Jesus walked on water, I bet they thought that was awesome, amazing, unreal.  But what did they think the next day or the next week when they were hanging out at sea and Jesus jumped in the water and swam with the rest of them?  Were they disappointed?  Did they still believe He was the Savior?  Did it challenge their faith in Him?  I can't say for sure but they were human, just like you and me, and maybe silently they hoped to see Him do it again.

My prayer is that regardless of my circumstances (or how full my bucket is), that my faith remain steadfast, solid, and maybe more importantly, growing deeper.  I pray that I praise God in the times He saves me and my bucket.   Moreso, I hope that I am open to the ways that God wants to challenge me in order to refine me when I need it most.

I am no blogger

I am not sure what has possessed me to attempt blogging.  I can remember learning about this phenomenon years ago and thinking "nothing I have to say is really that important for anyone to take the time to read it."  I can't say that I have gained any great wisdom that makes that less true today.  However, I would like to think that the Lord has taught me a few things through being a wife, a mother, a daughter, a neighbor, a sister, a friend, a colleague, an aunt, and all the other roles I have acquired.  Hence the title, "The Heart of a Sparrow."  Growing up, I can remember hearing the song "His Eye is on the Sparrow" and reading the verse in Matthew 10 that says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. And even the hairs of your head are all counted. So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows."  It is a humble reminder that God sees me, He knows me, He teaches me, and maybe, He will use me . . . not despite of my weaknesses, fears, and failures but through them and because of them.  Surely if He thinks about the sparrows, He has something intentional planned for me . . . and for you.


So this is hopefully the start of a documentary.  I'm not sure what direction this blog will go but that is true with life.  I can't promise there won't be a recipe, a craft, or a useless video mixed in but my real intention is to bring something to your life a bit more meaningful and insightful.